The sun comes up and now you have a chance again.

Have you ever really missed someone, with every ounce of your being you wanted them here with you? Have you never wanted anything but to know that someone who's gone is proud of you?

Pop-pop, I wanted you to be there with me as I grew up. I want you so badly to be proud of me. I want you to tell me that you're happy with where I'm going. I want to hear your stories, I want to smell that familiar smell, I don't want things to be like they are right now. Once someone dies, that's it. You never have a say in it. That's the most difficult part of it. Knowing that there's someone you love, who you'll never get to see again. They won't be there for some of the biggest moments of your life, no one new will ever get to meet them. That's the worst feeling ever, because you just want them to see you. You want to tell them your stories, and let them know how much they really mean to you. But you can't. 

There's no point to any of it. There's no point to living in fear. There's no point to living in sadness. But sometimes you just can't help it. Sometimes you have to be scared, and sad. Like now. I want to feel scared and sad. I want to miss people. I want nothing more than to see so many people right now. I want to sit and cry while I listen to sad music. Right now Killing Loneliness by HIM is playing. It reminds me of so much. It reminds me of all my emo days. All the hurt.

Sometimes I like to hurt. I like to cry. I like to miss. I like to fear. I like to remember.

Remembering makes me hurt. It makes me cry. It makes me miss. It makes me fear. Sometimes that's what a person needs to refresh themselves and keep going. So much gets held up in a persons heart and mind that it needs to escape every once in a while.

I'm hurting. I'm crying. I'm missing. I'm fearing. I'm remembering all the things that make me who I am. I'm remembering all the people that shaped who I am. I'm gonna list off those people.

Mom, Dad, Shelby, Shaymus, Austin, Liam, Lilly, Pop-pop, Grandma Dot, Molly, Grandma Barbara, Tim, Zoe, Thea, Avery, Telschow, Emma, Deirdre, Shayla, MK, Tessa, Nick, Chloe, Sally, Leo, and there are more people but it's 1am on a school night. I need to sleep.

I feel good.

Ex oh ex oh, <3

Izzy